Our status attracts stigma but we desire love – Single mums

BLESSING AFOLABI writes about the stigma faced by single mums and their challenges finding love

Six years ago, naïve 19-year-old Maryam Badiru, now 25, was all alone in the hospital trapped between life and death as she groaned in pain to bring forth her firstborn. A few hours after, she was handed her baby boy which she held in her tender hands, wishing his father was present to share the historial moment.

Badiru wouldn’t have thought life would turn out the way it did until she met a graduating student in the university.

She told Our reporters that she was a young girl and wasn’t exposed to relationships until she met the guy who showered unexpected love on her. She said her journey to single motherhood began after she became pregnant towards the end of 2015.

She said, “My body felt different in January 2016 so I decided to get tested and the result came out positive. As a young lady, I instantly thought about aborting the child. But my friend and an area sister told me to keep the child. I was only 19 years old then. I informed the guy who was then observing the mandatory one-year National Youth Service Corps in Niger State and he accepted the pregnancy.”

She recounted that she found it difficult to open up to her parents but had no option after her brother advised her to. She added that after some time, her boyfriend abandoned her and the pregnancy and was hooked with another lady.

“On the day of delivery, I was all alone. My family lived in Abuja and the man who impregnated me wasn’t there. All I wanted at that moment was for him to show up,” she said.

Badiru told our correspondent that her mum took custody of the child after nine months and one could hardly guess she gave birth to the child as her family cared for her son like their own.

She added that she had had issues with the father of her child for over five years and they had not been on good terms.

She said, “Recently, he came begging and I had to forgive him because I knew the child came as a result of our actions. Although I told him he wasted four years of my life. The painful part was that he was a mature guy then but he left when I needed him the most.

“I have forgiven him but I can’t return to him. He is engaged to someone else now but still tells me he can’t love another woman as he loved me.”

Data on single motherhood

An article titled, “Prevalence pattern and sociodemographic correlates of single motherhood in Nigeria,” indicated that Nigeria has one of the highest prevalence of single mothers in the world and the prevalence pattern and socio-demographic correlates vary among ethnic clusters.

It stated, “Single mothers constituted 9.5 per cent of the population and, contrary to global patterns, were wealthier, more educated, and experienced less intimate partner violence. The prevalence ranged from 2.9 per cent in the North-West to 20.3 per cent in the South-South region. Age, IPV, being a Fulani, Hausa, or Yoruba, and Islam lowered the odds of single motherhood while urban residence, education, wealth, number of children, and age at first birth increased the likelihood.

“The findings are important for policies to increase the acceptance of the plurality of family forms and end discrimination against single mothers. They also point to improving maternal healthcare services in rural areas, where the bulk of the single mothers reside, for improved maternal and child health outcomes.”

A paper published in BMC public health journal, stated that in Nigeria, close to one million women aged 10–85 years old were either divorced or separated and 1.7 million widowed.

It further stated that the proliferation of single-mother families indicated that many children in sub-Saharan Africa were born and reared in single-mother families.

Online sources note that a single mum is a mother who does not have a husband or partner. Also, the United Nations Women article, defines a single mum also called a lone mother as a woman with children living with other female relatives when no adult male is present in a household.

It opines that the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development emphasises the principle of ‘leaving no one behind.’ But by not counting lone mothers in official data, they are being left behind.

The prevalence of single motherhood is not limited to Nigeria. Globally, there are 101.3 million lone mothers who live alone with their children.

According to Pew Research Centre, the United States of America has the highest share of single parenting in the world. In the U.S, about 20 percent of children live with just their mother while around five per cent live with just their father. The United Kingdom is said to have the second-highest rate of single-parenting.

“Our battles as single mums”

Also sharing her experience with our correspondent, a middle-aged woman, identified only as Confidence, narrated that being a single mum was challenging, stating that she only tried to put up a smile.

Worried by her past, Confidence said, “It was years of loneliness, rejection, unhappiness, bitterness, and pain. Raising my child alone was perplexing especially when he was much younger. I never pictured myself in such a situation. The father of my child beat me black and blue when my baby was 35 days old and I had to leave because it was a red flag for me, although his mum asked him to send me back to my parents when it happened.

“Returning to my parent’s house was shameful but I had no other place to go. I had to be strong for my child and prove that we will survive and not suffer as he supposed.”

She stated that she had always pictured the father of her child watching him take his first steps and being by her side through the hurdles, adding that it took her over nine months to get back in shape after the incident because of the loss of her dad which aggravated the issue because it occurred at the same period.

She said, “I had no job for a year, and my dad who was providing for us then died. I decided to change location and get a job. Although the pay was small, I had to make do with it to take care of my child and denied myself a lot. I sold some gold pieces of jewellery I had back then in Abuja during tough days when there was no money.”

Confidence said she currently doesn’t let the experience affect her, adding that there was a time her son’s friend asked about his dad and she painted him well in his presence so as not to lose confidence in himself.

She said, “Although my brother had always been a father figure for him, he understands he isn’t his dad because he addresses him with his daughter’s name. I’m waiting for the day he will ask me about his dad and I believe the answer will be my husband and I’ll gladly replace his father because he has never looked back.”

She stated that she had moved on and healed from the pain adding that she tried to reconcile with her son’s father when her son was five years old but he frustrated her efforts.

She said, “Whenever I tell my story, I normally shed tears but now I have healed. I look back and smile. After letting go, I enjoyed blessings afterwards.”

On her part, Badiru stressed that she went through psychological and emotional stress and was suicidal at a point.

She stated, “I once attempted to slit my wrist but thank God for my friend who was there at the time. I had my baby in August and my family was there for me financially.’’

She disclosed that her studies suffered due to the pregnancy which made her graduate with a poor result, stating that she wasn’t enthusiastic to talk about the experience.

She added that she had to re-sit the Unified Tertiary Matriculation Examination to return to school and is currently a 300-level student of Kwara State University studying food science and technology.

She said she was determined to make meaning out of life and rebrand herself regardless of how society viewed her type.

Ready for love 

Badiru dissatisfied with her situation told Saturday PUNCH that it was tough getting the right person, saying that men often see her as a sex tool when they found out she had a child. She added that when she tried to be sincere with men, they rather wanted to take advantage of her situation.

She said, “There’s stigmatisation that comes with having a child without being married. But I see my son as a source of joy. Whenever I tell guys that I have a child, there’s always a change in their countenance and the way they talk to me. But I don’t let it bother me. There were days I cried because of the stigmatisation but now I’ve grown beyond it. I believe that any man who eventually gets me as his own is lucky and blessed.”

Badiru said she got several advances from men, even younger guys. Asked if she would consider single fathers, she said she had not dated any even though one was keen about her at one time but she didn’t like his personality.

She said, “I had a relationship that broke up this year and it didn’t have anything to do with my child. He loved my son more than his father would and people thought he was the child’s father. But he was too possessive and decided to treat me the way he wanted because he thought I didn’t have options as a single mum.”

She noted that having a child made her realise she had to be more responsible rather than nursing one’s emotions and she ensured she was occupied with something productive.

“I sometimes use the fact that I have a child to chase unserious guys away and it works. I believe they run away because they find it difficult to accept someone else’s child as theirs,” she said.

In her narration, Confidence noted that she wasn’t interested in any relationship after her experience and for over three years she didn’t get into one.

She said, “There was a time one of my exes came back and we dated again. After a few months, he gave me flimsy excuses that he can’t marry a single mum.”

She told our correspondent that she didn’t hide the fact that she had a child from the men that approached her and that none ended the relationship because of her child. 

Confidence said, “I had a platonic relationship with a guy when I was in Ibadan, Oyo State and he complained that I didn’t show any commitment towards him. Not long after, I discovered that he impregnated a lady. Then he told me he had to because he felt I didn’t show enthusiasm in wanting to marry since I already had a child. This was the only time my child came up in a conversation with men.”

She said that she once dated a guy who feared she might return to her son’s dad if he showed up, adding that most of the relationships she had had were with single men.

She noted that she got advances from single fathers but didn’t want excess baggage especially when the children’s mothers were fully involved in their lives. Confidence stated that it was easy for men to approach her because she was not in touch with her son’s father.

“I’ve walked out of relationships and can’t marry just anyone because I’m a single mum. I have rebranded myself so I can’t settle for less. Marriage is a beautiful thing and I know I’ll have a beautiful one. I cannot afford to have a turbulent marriage.

“I run away when I see red flags. Thank God I am gainfully employed, although sometimes, I brood over being alone. Recently, my son asked if I had a husband and I told him I’ll get one soon that will love both of us,” she said.

Also narrating her experience, a single-mum-of-one identified only as Faith, said it had been difficult finding love and the experience was sometimes a challenge for her.

She said, “Most of the men that had approached me tend to become unavailable when they found out I have a child. They listen to me recount my experience and later on tell me ahead that they can’t take the relationship further. There was a particular man I dated who left me for my friend because I am a single mother. Another guy I dated last year tried to show commitment but along the line, we had issues and broke up.”

On her part, an undergraduate and entrepreneur, Moyinoluwa Olorunpomi said that it was not easy getting into relationships because she didn’t hide her child from anyone who showed interest in her.

Olorunpomi stated, “Anyone who follows my social media pages will know. Most men do not run away because I have a child but for other reasons. There was a guy I met, we loved each other a lot but when he took me to his parents, they told him he couldn’t marry a single mum. It was quite painful but I had to move on.”

She said that the difficulty in finding the right partner wasn’t restricted to single mothers but a case of wrong men coming one’s way.

She said, “I have met guys who said I was loose and all they wanted was to be intimate with me. But I decided that I will only be with someone my heart chose and not a random guy. Men are coming my way but it is not about men, it is about finding the right choice.”

Olorunpomi added that she anticipated settling down with a responsible man who would love her for who she was because her kids deserved a good father. She, however, said that she was not in a hurry to settle down.

Another single mum of one, a 33-year-old lady identified only as Precious, said she had got into relationships that went sour due to reasons not linked to her status as a single mum. She noted that she was independent and carried herself with prestige; hence any man that approached her knew he wasn’t dealing with a liability.

She said, “The challenges we single mums face are not peculiar to us. Single ladies also face the same thing. I have been in relationships and the guys I dated liked my daughter. The reason I quit the relationship was because I couldn’t picture a future with the men. It was needless wasting time so I opted out. It’s been over five years now and all I want is a healthy relationship and a responsible father figure because most single men out there are not responsible.”

She said that though she wasn’t in any relationship currently, she was determined not to give up on love and on the lookout for a responsible man to marry.

Single motherhood circumstantial -Psychologist, counsellors

Commenting on the issue, a Professor of Counselling Psychology at the University of Lagos, Ayodeji Badejo, opined that single motherhood was conditional and hinged on teenage pregnancy, divorce, abuse, death of a spouse, and the unwillingness of a partner to shoulder responsibility.

She said society was slowly coming to terms with the fact that being a single mum wasn’t the doing of the individual as there were also single fathers.

She added that single motherhood comes with its challenges and psychological issues since most of them bear the responsibility of their children’s welfare alone.

“The psychological effect can also transcend to the child because there is no father figure and they develop low self-esteem. Women with strong personalities can influence their children positively.

“Sometimes, single mothers are short-tempered because they have a lot to deal with. But they shouldn’t let the stigma make them lose their self-esteem or affect them negatively,” she said.

Badejo advised women to rather enjoy their peace than be involved in a union where they barely had sanity.

She said, “Single mothers should deal with the baggage and work on their self-worth. They must heal completely before finding love again because they might fall victim to being tossed around by their new men. They should be industrious, financially independent, and learn a skill so that the men who approach them would know they are assets and not perceive them as promiscuous individuals and back out.”

On her part, an Abuja-based counsellor, Elizabeth Akunyili, noted that most single mothers were victims of ignorance, unfortunate relationships, and stigma. She said that the decision to be a single mum was tough and some of them felt it was better than remaining in those toxic relationships.

She said that single mums looked out for a partner who could father their children, advising them not to ostracise their children.

She said, “Men who want to marry single mums barely have the time to prepare for fatherhood and it might be overwhelming for some especially those who haven’t had father figures in their lives so they must prepare for it.”

She counselled single mums to upgrade themselves academically, professionally, and see themselves as priceless entities because people reacted to self-esteem.

She stated, “Single mums must identify and correct what went wrong in their previous relationships before getting into the new one. They must heal from the trauma or any form of addiction that emanated as a result of coping mechanisms. They must be whole as a single person before they can have a meaningful relationship with others.

“They should forgive themselves so that they don’t bleed on the good men and mess up their new relationships. Don’t throw a pity party. Level up for the sake of your children and don’t get into a relationship that will put you or your children at risk.”

She advised them to seek therapy and counselling, adding that they could join groups and communities for single mums to recover especially if they developed suicidal thoughts.

She urged that society should be more emotionally intelligent and not perceive single mums as promiscuous or useless. She added that single mums might have to educate their community politely.

She said, “They have to learn how to get into the dating pool again. They have to learn to carry themselves and probably get a coach on etiquette and learn that there is a dating pool for them.”

In his comment, a family life coach, Mr Matthew Femi-Adedoyin, said single motherhood was circumstantial and that society should reshape the way they perceived them.

He said, “Single mums should ensure they go for men with shared values and be open to them about their past. Many single mothers are doing great and they shouldn’t focus on self-pity. Whatever language one speaks to men is what they will speak back to you.”

He added that two lovers who had a child together may not necessarily get married if they don’t have shared values. He said that single mums must cut off any form of romantic relationship with the fathers of their children before going into another relationship and must ensure whoever wanted to marry them accepted their children.

He said, “Men who want to get into a relationship with a single mum must discuss their current relationship with the father of the child. They have to reassure them that they are different from their ex and see the child as an asset and not baggage.”

Also, a lawyer and relationship counsellor, Earl Alright, stated that single parents must realise that the dynamics of their lives had changed. He added that people would love them but might not easily accept responsibility for the children.

He advised single mums to be open to love again because love was a risk. He urged them to learn the new rudiments of relationships and marriage, stating that rules were different for them as they cannot play the single cards since they were already a parent.

Alright said, “Single mums place their children as priorities and that already defeats the dynamics of a relationship because one’s partner ordinarily should be the top priority. This could cause jealousy and resentment from the partner if not managed appropriately.

“Men should learn to be flexible and adaptable with single mums, treat them differently, accept that their kids come first, and understand they have special trust and insecurity issues from their past relationships. They should take things slowly with them and realise that these women are independent and need more emotional support and quality time.

“If she is still co-parenting don’t get involved with her husband and try not to go beyond the limit she creates in access to her children.”

He advised men who wanted a relationship with a single mum to ensure the woman had moved on from the previous relationship because they could want to return to their ex.

He added that single mums should seek professional counselling or talk to religious leaders to ensure they help them assess the situation if the father of their child suddenly showed up.

“If the father of her child comes begging then she must ensure he has changed and if his intentions were genuine. She must find out his current value system and the level of responsibility he has developed over the years. They must resolve the reasons they separated initially before dating him again in order not to regret it in a hurry,” he said.

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